Scenes from the anime Ef, tales of memories.

I think there's a bit of me in everyone one of those characters and I'm sure whoever watches this will feel the same way about themselves. Cause we are all fighting the same battles.

For once, a break-up song that doesn't have to be taken seriously, or maybe its just me. And yes, I'm compulsively deleting entries once more. It isn't because I'm anal, its just that those deleted entries didn't have good fengshui. ha ha ha

24th;
It was 2 movies, party at church and going home at 3am.
25th;
2 very different house parties, one being all wine, mash potatoes, beef, turkey, lamb and log cake at my Uncle's Orchard condo while the other was at Jason's condo, where 4 bottles of hard liquor disappeared overnight in our dying livers with the aid of our very own bartender, Timothy-who works at balaclava. Through the night it was 'bottoms up' or 'drown in one shot', or the very worse said by Tim on multiple occasions, 'I'll drink with you shot for shot' and who could reject something like that? In the afternoon, after we've regained more or less our normal bodies back, it was poker all the way till the rain stopped.

This blog is a guise to mask my insanity. Here I pretend to be slightly broken and tough at the same time and though I might be the only one who buys the act, that's enough for me. My private blog on the other hand, is a revelation, a microscopic look into how fragile and pissed off I really am. In order not to scare myself, I choose to believe everyone else is the same. And what usually bothers me most makes its permanent home somewhere rammed down my throat.

For all of my trying, we still end up dying. Silent victories and warped outcomes, I'll just lay in wait for the cracks to appear. Some things are just so thoroughly unfair, but hey, that's old news by now. 2009 taught me stuff I should have already known but have only bore the brunt of those cold edges this year.

Christmas week, and it isn't turning out too shabby. 'Spensive dinners and cheesy moments captured in due spirit of the season. The girls done our present exchange at Palais's P.S Cafe last night while Jogirl,Roger and I had our quarterly dinner meet-up at Marina Square just now. I've yet to come up with a group name for us to negate this typing out of multiple names situation.

I'm hoping I can get by the rest of the week with fewer moments of melancholy that this season usually inspires in me - even with this weary ol' heart.

At the wake, while arranging ourselves (boys at the front, girls behind) for another session of joss-stick holding and random chanting,

CousinDom aka Ass who's been annoying me since we were 5: 'Lesser human beings stand behind.'

Me: 'It's okay, I've always thought myself more of a saint than a human being anyways.'

CousinDom: '...'

So my yeye's gone and we've tried our best to retain normality even as grief strikes from everything that reminds us of him. The harshest part of it has to be seeing my nainai break-down time and time again, with no change in the intensity of her grief.

& from Wy's iphone;

I miss taking pictures, but at least I've got my card reader back. Now all I have to do is find the time to completely indulge myself in taking moderately decent pictures but I don't see this happening anytime soon. LOL o and I miss my photoshop, no more cheating with editing!

The dad gave us an assignment of having to cut up and finish up nearly half a watermelon on a lazy whim. So there we were, 2 dumbasses hunched over the sink, needing to use 4 hands and 5 minutes to figure out how to cut up the watermelon. Mistakenly slicing it in half, we decided to have a watermelon eating competition to finish the whole darn thing. It was so liberating, to be making a mess of yourself and being downright silly. Juice flowed down from our quivering chins and seeds flew just about everywhere while we tried not to laugh about not being able not to laugh cause we just looked so dumb and red and messy.

listening to: nobody by the sights aka oi, someone get me their albums!

Foot Rest Therapy

Tomorrow, I'm going to bring a soccer ball to work. Not for kicking around, but to act as a footrest in a bid to save my spine and ass from the pain of 7 hours of sitting.

Everything's Not Lost

We should all wrap ourselves in color buntings and fur coats, put on full skirts that we can swing around to the old jazz record playing from the ipod, then down red wine from chipped teacups and dust the demons off our shoulders. From a corner, a bubble machine would create bubbles that read merriment and all things happy, accompanied by cocaine made fog. Welcome to 21st century happiness, completely irresponsible and nearly impossible.

10th, 11th? day at ICU. I've lost count of the number of times we've been there, looking on at my grandpa enclosed in a glass unit, shut down by his illness. For some reason, that piece of glass door is able to protect me from the seriousness of this new reality. The one and only time I ventured beyond the glass nearly broke my heart when I saw him up close.

What is your damage

Somewhere in the deep recesses of my head, everything on this list materialises in its real form.

1. comme des garcon wallet

2. omg someone get this for me cd aka the sights - got what we want

3. benetint pocket pal

3. baroque-style book shelves (or you can paint some on my walls for me)

4. booklist!

5. toms with laces! (even more awesome than toms without laces?)

Work, has been a cubicle, a singing podcast, Sonya&Khalid for company, a meeting that lasted longer (2 hours)than I thought it was, playing free Wii and foosball during lunch, getting thrilled by the scanning device by our office door and the fact that we can photocopy and shred stuff...for free! The expectations are mounting though.

There's only air, where I used to care. 5 nights in a row at the ICU ward to watch on helplessly as my grandpa struggles to stay alive just long enough for the next minute, and the next and the next. Its getting harder to seperate the person I am during the day from the person I am during the night.

Spike said, 'Human beings often display emotion they do not feel. And they often feel emotion they do not display.'

That's a description of me all right. I keep myself locked as a box when it matters, and broken open when it doesn't matter at all.

-The Stone Gods

In a bid to have a last social thingmajig before we all disperse into various office buildings in Singapore, Lt, Alec and I did a little catch-up session. Instead of finding cheer and general happiness in our gossiping, we were made more miserable by each other. Misery does love company. Understanding someone else's saddity isn't as healthy as you think it should be. Good attempt nonetheless. LOL

ps: & thanks to the double Joeys for hanging around at the I.T fair for over 3 hours with me. Never again shall that be attempted.

It being the last night of school, some things changed momentarily, but some things stubbornly remained the same. People exhaust me cause I exhaust myself trying to make others appear better than they are. Or I'm just tired of trying to be less sensitive. It isn't because I don't care, it's because I can't care for things that aren't real in the first place. Things that made me forget my exhaustion; 42 below, Indochine dancefloor and the whole crazy lot of us on it.

...I'll go hug my new cross-stitched cushions from Ikea now. Comfort bought is much easier to get than comfort sought.

This blog has been revived and then shut dead a few times over. School work has robbed me of my words. For the time being, everything just feels slightly sad. I need to get my emotions back in the spot where shiny, fluorescent light shines and feeling okay was good enough.

I won't waste myself on you, I'm not here to stay. Some friends should be thrown away cause its the same either way. I might not get out of this year fully intact, but it'll be alright more or less.

I'm the perfect decoy with no alibi. Some things, even if its structure remains intact, still change. We are now ruled by different rules and different areas of acceptance. Cat power tickets are bought (don't ask how, but lets just say it involved quite a bit of strategic timing) and come January 2010 I'll be broke but I feel so amazing it doesn't really matter. The sight of a heavy downpour made me spring up the school steps today and I wish the rain would stay to rain on everyone else's parade except for mine.

We Are Going. Omg.

Now, who's going to watch Cat Power ($25) with me?!

Japan

There's just too much to say about Japan. The hokkaido milk packed in glass bottles at the station which we had everyday, the bullet train ride to Osaka where I had moments to contemplate about not contemplating, the crazy small shops filled with the best old things, the feeling of not knowing what to expect everytime we stepped into an eatery, the lights and sounds that filled the shopping districts at night, the people-watching at Harajuku, the bakeries that were good enough for any meal of the day, the pornified streets of Shinjuku where both men and women are objectified, the feeling that more things are possible in Japan than anywhere else in the world, the politeness of the people which made us so much more aware of how gruff and curt we can be, the street acts who performed not out of money but purely for their craft, the hair envy we exprienced and basically living breathing the place and air you thought couldn't possibly exist but does. We will have to go back there again, someday, soon, to be bowled over and humbled in the quiet unassuming way that Japan does.