The longing of- a phrase always slightly overlooked, but when felt, it's felt strongly, always. It doesn't let you down. Never a clear black, white or grey, it moves between the three with rules of its own and you can never catch up with it.

If you haven't already noticed, I have a habit of taking down entries I've posted. An unexplainable phenomenon, cept maybe I grown from the time I posted it and find it to be a false presentation of whatever this is, whoever I am.

And I don't think I've mentioned it before, but people who refer themselves in 3rd person form irritates the heck out of me like you won't believe. I would dislike you at that very instant and if you're a guy, I'd think you're gay. Sheeesh, like really, its, yeah, there's something wrong with you.

The Toy Car From China With Nowhere To Go.

Wenyan and I experienced the best laughing fit after consecutive multiple meals today. Why can't that happen on a more regular basis? The mouth clutching, speech impediment, stifled with random burst of volume kind of laughter. Over nothing.

stranger; is this table taken?

wy; hahahah n-n-no no hahaha.

One of the reasons we crave love, and seek it so desperately, is that love is the only cure for loneliness, and shame, and sorrow. But some feelings sink so deep into the heart that only loneliness can help you find them again. Some truths about yourself are so painful that only shame can help you live with them. And some things are just so sad that only your soul can do the crying for you.

- Shantaram, Gregory David Roberts

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Exams are effin over. The noose around my neck has been loosen. Now I'll just have to remember how to breathe again.

Caught 'He's just not that into you' after our paper and there was 2 parts (The Ben Affleck part) in the movie which got most of us with tears in our eyes cause it was so sweet in the simplest and most impossible manner. Every girl was behaving as if they were in their own living room, cooing and oohing at the ooh-worthy moments. I felt sorry for the guys we blindly dragged.

We are such complicated creatures. Like right now, I'm trying to revel in my returned freedom, but it isn't working out the way I thought it would. Maybe I'm just tired from staying up for the Oscars despite having a morning paper the next day. It's obvious my priorities are still missing. I need to up my reward claim.

I feeeeeel, I feel like taking a night walk on my own now. Blast my genes and my noisy door. Where's the fire escape route when you need one? Not that...it appears ever so often.

The type of people who annoys me are the ones who forces me to implore oh so desperately 'So what exactly is your point??'

Those people, I love to see crack, cause they try so hard to please even when they want to put you down.

Funny how that combination can work.

The dregs of memories. hah

Meanwhile, a very exciting update!

that I feel suffocated whilst studying and shall soon develop a symptom from it.

Exciting no?

Life, please pay me a visit soon.

We do okay in daytime too. =)

Work yesterday was hella-cool cause it felt like real work. I had to do stuff I either did not want to do or did not know how to do, all for the sake of minimal wage. It was quite an experience cleaning tables with tea and carrying heavy stuff around whilst music borrowed from zouk blast from the speakers and the guests danced on the stage and drank whole bottles of wine. I should know, I gave the bottles to them.

I now have images of tea, wine, yam (yuck yuck yuck), soya sauce, fried udon and trays around the sizes of an elephant's ass violating my imagination and I feel...flumpy. I told Leo this and he was like what? and my mind was like what? and I realised I had no idea what that meant either. LOL

Can't believe I'm blogging this much but you have no idea how much of a respite this is from studying for me. And soon, very very soon, all of this will be over and I'll be bored with the holidays.

Take this test (the colorgenics one) and ignore the rest which seems almost cultish.

Here's mine;

'You appear to others around you as a person who is simply 'laid back'. From time to time you shelve your ambitions and forgo the desire for prestige and recognition and you are often considered as mentally lazy. You have the ability and you are the first to know this, but you prefer to take things easy and indulge your longing for comfort and security.
You are looking for something different. Your imagination has been working overtime and you are seeking adventure - and you'd like to share that adventure, the new experience, with someone like yourself: Imaginative, Enthusiastic and Sensitive.
The present situation, not of your making, is forcing you to compromise. You will have to hold back and forgo some of your hopes, dreams and aspirations.'

Funny thing was, I took it the other day before my exam and the first line went 'You're under tremendous amount of stress at the moment and is in need of some peace and tranquility'. LOL oooooohhyaa baby.

Thanks for the Char Kway Teow treat today CHOWWY! LOL

Over and Over - John Mayer

There some songs I just can't get, but this song, isn't one of them.

I get every single bit of it.

Oh and I passed my FTTs. It's a damn nice load to put off. Go try it yourself.

bear with me as I lose my head over you.

I've taken to having conversations with myself and forming shadows with my hands that dances across my table. Phone conversations now daunts me. I even choregraphed a dance with my stabilo color pens to feist's 1234. All of this sounds really bad in words, even without the part where I've formed mental random lists of everything and nothing. Something I thought about while eating ban mian alone at the foodcourt today(loser line of the century) , that- there's a thin line between independence and loneliness. Most of the time, I'm just reluctantly independent. hah

wrapped around your finger. tucked in your pocket. screwed.

What begins as an unguarded

train of thoughts slowly can become

an addiction to the slumber

of disconnection and the resonance

of memory that no longer has a shape

but keeps you numb through

the hours tills gone is another day.

This peculiar thought occurred to me, through a sudden attack of surprising alacrity that- no one is perfect and we spend most of our time finding out which imperfection we can put up with. Now I feel bad for having decided though at the very least I'm not alone in this.

Is it wrong to want a old-school almost bengish wolf graphic tee? Alongside with a bandage dress that has holes on the sides. Not to mention fresh soft bedsheets.

I wish I could not want an appetite though. Today I devoured a week old cake that had a tag on it saying 'To be eaten on the day of purchase'. My appetite has no comprehension, especially in the face of chocolate. Which, reminds me of all the goodies I received from my secondary 2 campers. Just goes to show how a little less corruption can bring such differences in behavior. Now I own them half a movie treat. They think being older means I can actually afford adult stuff like 10 movie tickets. If only they aren't wrong.

I am even more nervous for my FTT on Thursday than I am for both my major papers this week. I need to sort out my priorities though I think I've been doing that for the past 1 hour, every minute and my priorities landed me here.

I wanna feel the bomb drop, the earth stop, till I'm satisfied.

Don't think the simple should be hard.

I can imagine Wenyan giving me the look, but somehow, against my indie-self shouts of protest, I like this rendition done by framing hanley. Made the song even more badass than the original one done by lil wayne. Study week= Tons of video-surfing on youtube, so don't mind me.

At my nieces's new home.

Playing at the courtyard.

Preparing for the night.

Later that night, I experienced the haggard breathelessness of childhood from playing too much. Of choosing between laughing and running and breaths held for a prolong period of time. At the end of the night, everyone is sweaty and coughing, but in great spirits. Pampers make for excellent blindfolds. It blocks your vision, absorbs sweat and protects your head with its padding. The only downside to it is the near resemblance to a clown while wearing it. My niece very sweetly told me that I 'looked very funny' with it on my head after watching the video playback of us playing- the video of which will soon be making its way to youtube.

My Internet had been down for the last 2 days. It somehow revived itself today. Updates are also at pickaline.tumblr.com. Weird, but I'm a bolder person there. As if the person I'm here and the person I'm there isn't the same person. But thanks for the valentine. =)

(pictures are obviously not mine, i'm good but not that good.ha ha)

Valentine's Day doesn't have to be extravagent, nor does Love.
Show love to anyone and everyone. Just skip out on the hallmark cards.

As much as the slacker in me is protesting as much as a slacker can, I am ultimately nervous for tomorrow's event. Why do I feel solely responsible for it? Slackers don't do that. But I here I am, pouring over the details, trying to catch up with all the sending and receiving. I can't wait for thursday to come and end and allow me a short breather, preferably with you.

and we will divide and conquer this land, di-ivide and conquer, this land.

The silence of contemplation hovered in the air. A group of students laid down on the gravel ground of the courtyard , swallowing in the night sky earnestly. A twinkle there in the north and another in the east, curt short acknowledgements from the stars. A moment later the mentor said rather wryly, 'Okay guys, enough of thinking how big the universe is and how small you are, time for group sharing.'

And the smallest guy in the group replied, 'Actually I was thinking how big I was and how small the universe is.'

Laughter all around. And that called for another round of silent musing.

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For the past 3 days, I felt I've been mentored by the kids as well. Everything that comes from them seems more real and every chance to laugh I took. Self- consciousness has yet to infect them, and they weren't afraid to show their real emotions. So when they cried, those tears were real.

A big part of me wants to pull them aside and tell them desperately, 'Look, never lose this. Appreciate what you have here right here, right now cause it'll never be the same again. People are going to be mean to you for no reason but because they are so insecure it hurts them and they have to hurt others in return, worse, they might even be your friend. Life would be throwing too many things at you and you won't be able to duck quickly enough. Right here is where it is still safe. Take here and put it somewhere deep in you and don't let anyone touch it.'

But what do I really know right?

Having played orchestra through my speakers for the last 3 days, everything in my room now seem more expensive and alive. They are all covered in brocade and gold and like the characters in Beauty and the Beast, will break out into song and dance anytime I want them to.

The only time I'm distracted by it is when a sudden opera voice booms out and drags me out of my formula induced coma. LOL. Perfect for light study-ers like me. (Light-sleepers, Light studyers. Same theory.)

(Picture credit to me and also to let you know how artistically I can procrastinate from work)

For the next 5 days, I won't be able to be 'where I want to be', due to a mix of necessaries and unnecessaries. Counting back to last Friday, it would make 11 whole days.

Then again, maybe I'm wrong, Maybe it's just a small little thing. Maybe I should be chill, like you.

A small build-up, not a quick flash. Must it start now?

'And the Air was full of Thoughts and Things to Say. But at times like these, only the Small Things are ever said. The Big Things lurk unsaid inside.'

-from The God of Small Things

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Friends playing dual roles wrecks havoc.

Blurred lines and blank holes.

Should I cross over to anger or chide myself for being so sensitive?

All the whispers egging me on to anger.

But I let it go. A few times over.

And it hits me, you can let it go.

.

I'm updating more regularly at my tumblr than over here. So you have 2 places to jump to now.